Are you being loyal to your unhappiness?

This week Kelly is exploring the idea of time and justifying staying in a relationship that you are unhappy in simply because you have already spent so much time there.

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Episode Transcript:

 I want to talk about something that has recently been a topic of conversation. In my DMS and women that are coming into the heal rise, thrive program. I talked to a lot of women that are in the space of.

I want to leave the relationship that I'm in. I know it isn't. Great. I know that it is toxic, or I know that he doesn't treat me well. I know all of these things, but. I have invested so much time already. And. The sort of invisible thing there that isn't being said is. I'm so nervous about what the future holds for me.

And I have a doubt. I've thought about leaving before. But then I doubt that I could have something better, like what's really better out there. So I want to address both of these things together because they're really a stemming. From the same issue. So, if you are somebody who is currently in that place,

Where you feel like you're stuck in some ways where you feel like, I know I want to leave this person. I know the relationship is toxic. I know that I have a, I have my own work to do, and I'm not able to do that in this relationship. I've tried my best. It's not working out, but for some reason I'm stuck here.

Then this is going to be for you. Now, one of the sticky things that goes on in a relationship like this in a relationship that is toxic, is that it is most likely a trauma bonded relationship. There is another podcast episode. I have it is called the invisible forces that keep you stuck inside of toxic relationships, where I go much more into depth about how that works and why it keeps you stuck in the cycle. But we have to just kind of give an overview about that because trauma bonded relationships.

It really is not logical. So when you were in a relationship that is trauma bonded, it is not based off of a love. It is not based off of mutual connection, mutual admiration, having mutual values.

It is a really more based off of the addiction that you feel to the relationship and to this person. And how you know that you're in a trauma bonded relationship. Is that when you think about. Why am I with this person? Why do I really love this person? Why do I want to stay with them? It just feels like.

I don't know, there's something about them. We just have this connection. I can't really describe it. Weather. And if it was a more healthy relationship, you would say things like we have a, he's my best friend. We have the same values. We want the same things in life. He's kind, he's funny. He's smart. He's all of these wonderful things and attributes that you would appreciate about a person that's not typically what's happening inside of a trauma bonded relationship.

Of course there are other. Ways to tell again, I go over that more in another episode. So I'm not really going to harp too deep on that today. What I do want to talk about today besides being in the trauma bond. Is really this concept of. Loyalty that you have to this relationship. That is making you unhappy.

And I want to phrase it in this way, because I want you to realize that's what it is when you are somebody who is saying I've already devoted so much time here. Yes, I know it. Isn't great. Yes. I know it's not the right relationship for me. Yes. I know that. I want to leave. I should leave all of these things.

And yet you still stay. I want you to recognize that you are being loyal to something that is making you incredibly unhappy.

And I want you to ask yourself if that is really how you want to live your life. You know, time is a really funny concept. You have to remember that this is a manmade thing. And. We also have belief systems around what time means around what time in a relationship means around the idea that if you stay with somebody for a long amount of time, that that somehow means that it's a better relationship or that relationship is successful versus not being in a relationship for a long amount of time.

These are really just belief systems that you have probably picked up from being in our society from your parents, from friends, from watching TV, from listening to other things outside of you. So you become loyal to this idea of something. But at the end of the day, it is not what is beneficial for you or for your life and what is not beneficial for you and your life is not beneficial for others either. And so sometimes I think that there's this.

Idea when it comes to healing and really coming into yourself that it is somehow selfish or something like that. This is also a side conversation I've been having with some people. And what I want you to recognize is that when you start working on yourself and healing yourself and becoming your own person and filling your own self up first, that is not selfish. That is the opposite of selfish, because think about how much more you can do in the world when you are, who you truly are when you are filled up inside, when you feel good inside, when you are happy, when you are a happy, highly functioning person that is connected, that is in a state of safety within your nervous system, that is in a state of.

Really being open to the beauty of life. Do you think that you are going to have a more positive impact on people or do you think you would have more positive impact on people by remaining unhappy by remaining in survival mode, by remaining miserable, by complaining about your life? Really? Let's think about that for a second.

So which way is actually more selfish? Is it more selfish to work on yourself? Get happy, do what's right for your life or is it more selfish to be miserable and then put that kind of energy? Out into the world. If we're really want to talk about it. This is what I want you to realize time is this man-made construct, but one of the only truth, and you've heard me say before,

We don't know what is true. The only truth that I know. Is that. Time is limited in this incarnation of this experience of life in this human form in this body that you are currently in.

And the other truth is that you do not know. When that day is coming, when you will leave this current formation that you were in, you do not know. When that is coming. And so when you really think about that, and if you actually start to quantify the time that you have on this planet,

And really think about if the life that you were living in, the relationships that you are having is something that you want to continue on.

I've invested so much time here already. And so I have to keep going. Cause it's what I've been doing. I got to keep going because it's what I've been doing. And it's what I know. And so therefore I've got to keep putting more time in it, to it because of all of the time that I've put into it already.

And I've wasted that time. I've wasted it. So there's this idea that time has been wasted inside of this relationship that isn't making you happy. So two things I want to point out one is if. If it is true that the time is been wasted. And time is, uh, a limited resource that you have and you know, this.

Do you want to continue to waste time by continuing to be in this relationship that is making you incredibly unhappy. That is making you question yourself. That is making you question your worth.

That is making you miserable.

Do you want to continue with the narrative that I've already wasted so much time? So let me waste more time because time is all I have and I've already wasted it. So I'm going to waste some more. It just doesn't make any sense. So let's go a little bit underneath what's going on here

because if you've wasted so much time, you're not going to want to keep on wasting time. So that's not it. What's really going on here is underneath. There is a big sense of lack. There's a big sense of scarcity. There is this idea that. Well, what if I don't find anything better? What if this is as good as it gets, what if I don't find anything better?

And I can assure you. That if you are incredibly unhappy in your relationship, if your relationship is toxic, if your relationship is making you feel miserable, if your relationship feels like, I don't know why I'm with this person that I don't even like most of the time. I can guarantee you that there is somebody else out there that is better for you. There is close to 8 billion people on this planet.

8 billion. Do you really think the one that you're with that is treating you like garbage, that is making you feel badly about yourself? Do you think that's the person, that's your soulmate? That's the person you're supposed to end up with. That's how you're supposed to live your life here. That doesn't make any sense.

And so I want you to work on your mindset here. And this is where you're going to have to maybe cut out some of what goes on on social media and listening to people that tell you things like how all men are trash or bad, or, the horror stories of dating and things like this, because I could definitely see how this could feed into that scarcity mentality and feed into this idea that what you have.

Is the best that exists somehow, even though. And in your heart of hearts, you know that that's not true. But as somebody who. Makes content around toxic relationships and things like that. I do see in my feed on different social media platforms. I see people talking about how terrible dating is and sharing their horror stories and how horrible men are and all of these things and how terrible it is to be single. And I do think that if you're listening to those kinds of things, that you're constantly absorbing those kinds of things.

Even in your conscious mind if you're trying not to, but if you're constantly watching these things, it seeps into your subconscious. So you do need to be careful about the kind of. Content that you are interacting with. And that could lead you to believe that that is the truth because you're seeing a curated feed telling you that this is what's true.

What you want to do is start looking for evidence of people that have really amazing relationships,

evidence of what you actually want. Because if you fill your mind with evidence of all the things that you're afraid of and all of the things that you don't want, then what do you think that you're going to get? You have to start filling your mind with the evidence of what you want, because understanding that if it's possible, if you see it, if somebody else experienced it, why can't you experience it?

 There is no reason why you would not be able to have . A happy, healthy relationship. There's no reason why you wouldn't be able to have somebody who treats you with respect, who loves you appreciates you cares for you. There isn't. But if you are constantly filling your mind with mine to poison and you're poisoning your mind all day long with all this stuff that isn't true. And you're thinking that that's the truth.

That's not helpful. You want to find people having the experience that you want to have. So social media can be used for good in that way. It can be used to show you what's possible versus what the bad thing that could happen. It's a very basic human tendency to think about the worst case scenario and then to start applying it to your life.

I want you to start thinking about the best case scenario, the best thing that could happen, how easy it could be to date, how wonderful it would be to find somebody who treats you well and that you feel good with and that you feel connected to. And all of the things that you are not currently having in your relationship.

Now, I'm not saying that you want to jump out of one relationship into the next, because certainly if you're in a toxic relationship, there's some healing work that needs to happen and you have to get right with yourself before you move on to. Wanting to get it right with somebody else. But. The idea.

That this is the best you could get that a toxic relationship is the best that you can get is inherently false. It is not true. It is simply an illusion that your mind is creating because your mind doesn't like change. And your mind is not here to keep you happy. It is not here to do anything else than keep you safe. And to your mind, what is saved is predictable. So even though this relationship isn't good, even though it is not what you want, even though it is toxic.

When you have a certain amount of predictability around that relationship, you know, what's going to happen. You know what they're going to say, you know how they're going to treat you, you know how you're going to feel. Your mind and your body gets comfortable there and it wants to stay there. The unknown can be a scary place, right?

The key is that you want to start feeling and believing in thinking into a future. That is what you want. So you're creating the future in your mind of what it is that you want versus creating a future in your mind of filled with worries, fears, and doubts about what possibly could happen. That is not what you want.

Okay. Some takeaways here before I go. If you are in that space, telling yourself I've already put so much time here. I've got to stick it out. I've got to keep going. Cause the time's already been spent. So I got to spend some more time here. If that's the story. Really question yourself. Are you being loyal to your own happiness?

And are you ready to be loyal to. Yourself. Your truth

and then I want you to go out and find some evidence about what you want existing and fill your mind with that.