AKA self love, anxious attachment & narcissists

This is an ask Kelly Anything episode!

Kelly answers listeners questions about how to practically show yourself love, what to do if you find yourself in an anxious-avoidant attachment style relationship, and where to actually start healing after a narcissistic relationship. Episode 148 of the Worshipped Woman Podcast.

If you are ready to heal your toxic relationship patterns, come home to yourself and become a women who Thrives. Heal, Rise, Thrive is the place for you. You can get on the waitlist here: https://www.kellykristintraining.com/hrtoptin-1WL 

Episode Transcript:

You deserve love, you deserve happiness. You deserve joy. You deserve to feel good simply because you do. You don't have to prove it. You don't have to do.

Anything to be deserving of that you just are. And I wonder what could change in your life if you actually started operating from that place? Just something to think about at the top of the episode. Today. I am doing an eight K eight episode, which is an ask Kelly, anything episode. So I have some questions that have been submitted to me over time. So we're going to actually go through.

A few of them today.

If you have a question that you want answered on a later episode, you can go ahead and visit the link in the show notes. I will take you to the podcast page where you can submit your question there.

So the first question is what are some practical ways you show yourself? Love. I think this is really important because talking about self-love and actually applying, living your life in a loving way towards yourself. Is a little bit different, right? And I think it's really important that when you're on a journey of healing, of becoming more of yourself, that you are doing different things, practically doing different things than what you have done before.

And there are so many beautiful ways that is showing yourself. Love. Now we can start with the superficial aspect of self care. Which is an aspect of self love. It's not the end all be all of a self love. But when I think about practically ways of showing yourself love well, are you taking care of yourself? Are you taking care of your body? Are you taking care of how you look and showing up in the world in a way in which that feels good for you?

Right? If you're somebody who it feels really good to have

your

nails done. Are you doing your nails? Are you brushing your hair? Are you putting the makeup on? Are you. Putting the clothes on that make you feel good. What are you doing to actually take care of yourself in those superficial ways? That would be like level one, practically showing yourself love, because think about it.

If you are not feeling well and you're, you are working from home and you're in sweat pants every single day. You never brush your hair. And you're just behind a computer screen all day. That is not going to feel good, right. After a certain time, it might feel good for a little bit, but after a certain while it's really not going to feel good for you to be doing that. So.

When we look at the overall, just what are you doing from a practical standpoint? From that self care standpoint, that would be like, step one. But now I want to go deeper because what's really at the base of self love here is how are you treating yourself? How are you showing up for yourself in the world?

And the first thing that I want to really. Have you think about. Is, are you honoring yourself? And are you honoring your boundaries and are you honoring your word to yourself? One of the massive, massive things is having self integrity.

And self integrity is all about keeping the word to yourself. So if you say you're going to do something, you do it. If you say that you were going to meditate five minutes a day, you're going to meditate for five minutes a day. So many of us really struggle when it comes to ourself. And maybe you've had this experience before where you can make other people promises and you show up. When you say you're going to show up and you do things, you're going to say you're going to do for other people. But when it comes to yourself, you let these things slide.

It's very common. I know that I've done it and I still do it sometimes. So I'm not saying that it's about being perfect because you will always hear me say, I don't know how many times you're probably so sick of hearing me say it. But it is always practice versus perfection because perfection does not exist. And all of this is just a practice.

And so. Really are you in integrity with yourself? You want to increase self-love you want to increase your self-trust. You want to increase your self worth. You do that by being in integrity with yourself. So when you say that you were going to do something for yourself, do you actually do it? Do you follow through.

Do are you doing the things that you know are good for you? Are you doing the things that feel good for you? This is another way that you're going to actually practically show yourself. Love. If you know that it feels good to move your body for 20 minutes every day, whether that be a walk, whether that be going to the gym, whatever it is.

Are you actually doing those things? That's a way to just show yourself love. Now in my community, the worshiped woman community. We have two check-ins every week. And one of the check-ins is about reverence. And the idea behind reverence, the definition of reverence is having deep love and respect. And we have reverence Thursdays where we check in every Thursday.

How have you shown up in reverence for yourself this week? And we do this every week because the whole purpose of the worship woman community. Is becoming a woman that lives like she loves herself. It's really about the art of living. Like you love yourself. And one of the ways you do that is through reverence, having deep love and respect and so weekly, the check-in is there to see, are you doing something every week?

That is showing yourself deep love and respect. So a lot of times we're talking about things like setting a boundary. Did you have a hard, difficult conversation that maybe was uncomfortable for you? But you knew that you needed to say it because it was what was best for you. It was deeply honoring and respecting yourself. This is a way that you're showing yourself love by setting boundaries with yourself, by setting boundaries with others.

Did you keep the promise to yourself? Did you say you were going to meditate every day for five minutes a day and then actually do it? That would be showing reverence for yourself.

Did you slow down and listen to your body and take a nice long bath, because that is what your body was asking for. These are all ways that you can show yourself. Love. But if this is somewhere on the beginning of your journey, really, you just want to have a look at how are you showing up for yourself.

How are you respecting yourself? How are you honoring yourself and your word? That's really the starting point of it all. And then we can build out from there.

Alright, next question. I have an anxious attachment and I am currently with an avoidant partner. This has been really hard for me, but I really love him. Is this something that I will just have to accept?

I think this is such a great question. And probably one that a lot of people can relate to. So I'm going to start out by saying that I am not huge on attachment theory. I would like to reiterate that it is a theory, just like many things. It is not ultimate truth. And it is not one that I utilize in my practice or with my clients very often.

And the reason that I don't is because I do not like labels. I do not like the label. Even you submitting this question and saying, I am anxious. Uh, part of you is attaching to this. Like, it is an aspect of yourself. I am, when we say I am. We're talking about an identity.

And you're talking about it. Like you're just this anxious type person and that's who you are. And then this, your partner is just an avoidant person and that's who they are. And this is just not true. Attachment. Styles are fluid, meaning that they can change. And they're also dependent on the situation that you are in.

So I had a client not too long ago. Uh, where, when we first started working together, she came to me and said, she had an anxious attachment and wanted to work on that. Um, when we first started working together, I said, you know, I don't want you to worry about that. We're not going to directly talk about attachment styles or anything like that.

And at the time she was coming out of a relationship that , she would have described as this anxious avoidant dynamic. And recently she was in a new relationship and I asked her if she has been anxious at all inside of this relationship. And if she still identifies with having that anxious attachment style,

And she said, absolutely not. I didn't even think about it. Now one, of course, we've done a lot of healing work together. She's been coaching with me for quite a while. She's been in programs with mine. So she's had a lot of healing work, but not once. Did we ever talk about attachment styles and now she can sit there and say,

No, I don't have anxious attachment. I actually haven't even thought about it. And so I bring that to you and anybody who gets really caught up in these kinds of labels. And I get, I get the tendency to want to do that because it feels like when you read something and it resonates with you, you're like, oh my gosh, I get it. Now I have this level of understanding that I didn't have before.

So I want to attach to it. You can take the understanding of something, but then realize that it is not like a permanent thing. Just because you were raised a certain way doesn't mean that you have to carry on being that certain way forever. Just because something happened to you when you were five, doesn't mean that as an adult, you have to operate from that. Five-year-old.

Personality or that five-year-old wound. Okay. And so the other question I have for you here is.

This label, I think can also be harmful in the sense that an anxious avoidant dynamic can also look a lot like a trauma bond. And when we're in a trauma bonded relationship, we can come up with a lot of different reasons, excuses, and really creating a different. Fantasy of what that relationship is versus really looking at what it is. So is this a relationship in which you are so attached that you feel like.

irrationally attached to this person that no matter that they don't treat you well, they, they make you feel anxious all of the time. You feel badly a majority of the time in the relationship, but if you have this feel like I just have to be with them. They're the one for me, but you can't really articulate why that is, or what's so special about them or.

Or why you really love this person, then that's most likely a trauma bond. And then we've got a whole different conversation to have,

and I have episodes on here that I've talked about trauma bonding and how that works and the ways that you can stay stuck inside of these toxic relationship dynamics. Now, I'm not saying that that's exactly what's going on here because I don't have that information, but I just want to highlight that because.

More often than not. When people come into my world and tell me, you know, I'm anxious and this person's avoidant, it's really been a pretty toxic relationship. That was a heavy trauma bond and it's not really having this anxious attachment style. Do you really have an anxious attachment style or are you just with somebody who doesn't treat you well or doesn't give you any kind of validation who dismisses your feelings, who, um, purposely does things to make you feel insecure? Would that be an anxious attachment style or would that be just being with somebody who is manipulative?

So there's, there's a lot of layers to this question. So I'm just bringing these other questions to the forefront. now let's go to the next part of this, which says, do I have to accept this? No. You don't have to accept anything. Now I know you said you really love him, and that is wonderful and beautiful and amazing, but there's two layers to acceptance when you know how somebody is.

And if in this relationship, most of the time you were feeling anxious, insecure and not good. And when you're living in anxiety, you're living in survival mode. The question becomes, does that work for you? Is that what you want to build your life on? If you look at this person and you think. 10 years from now, if we're still together and we're still doing the same thing, we're doing probably worse. If we're still doing that 10 years from now, does that work for me? Is that how I want my life to go? Is that the vision that I see for myself in my life?

That's a really important question to ask, really putting yourself into the reality of everything that is going on and going, if nothing changed in this relationship 10 years from now, would I be super happy that I stayed here? Would I be super happy that I said, I have to accept this? This is the way that it is, and nothing can change that.

Something to think about.

But let's say you are somebody who does have anxious tendencies. Are you asking for what you need in the relationship? If you are somebody who needs more validation, are you asking for that validation?

Do you know what your needs are? Are you presenting those needs to your partner. And are you trying to work on the relationship together? Now, if this person who is avoidant is not open to any kind of change to any kind of work to any kind of therapy or anything like that, where you guys can actually come together and work and change the dynamics.

If they are not open to that. Well, then it just becomes a question for you of does this work for you? Does the relationship work for you? Does the way it is work for you in a healthy partnership. Even if that one partner is still does have more avoidant tendencies, if you were coming and presenting your needs and being really clear about what it is that you need from them in order to feel more secure. We have to take a look at if they are willing to do that or not. If they're not willing to do that well, then, you know, that tells you a lot, but if they're willing to make efforts towards helping you to feel more secure, then.

This is going to be a wonderful, beautiful thing for the relationship. So, no, you don't have to accept it and just think that this is how it is, and this is how it is always going to be.

You can change just about anything, but remember the only person that you can change is your self. You cannot make another person change it starts with you.

 And if you are identifying as an anxious person, it really needs to start with. Safety and getting to the place where you feel safe. In your body. So you wanna start working on your nervous system, because again, the change starts with you. It doesn't start with somebody else, so you can change the dynamic. If that is a true anxious of what it dynamic by becoming more secure in yourself.

Okay, next question, Kelly. I have heard you say many times not to focus so much on the narcissist. I have just left a narcissistic relationship and I feel really confused on where I should even start. I have been. Searching and finding all kinds of information about narcissists and it is helping me to feel better, but I kind of feel stuck. What should I do?

Another beautiful question. And I'm sure relevant for so many people. So here's the thing. Yes. You have heard me say many times before. To avoid getting caught up in that trap, all about the narcissist. Now I do want to say that getting a certain amount of information about. Uh, narcissism or, you know, toxic manipulative people and how they work is helpful in, in a way, because you do want to have that validation of what you went through. It can make you see things more clearly that you couldn't see before. And it also can be beneficial when you're out of that relationship and you can really see.

What happened? So you can recognize these patterns in the future. You'll never hear me say don't do any kind of research on it. At all, but what most people do on what it sounds like you're doing is that you spend all of your time, energy and attention focused on learning about the narcissist and everything, why they do what they do, why they did this, why they did that. Now, when you're doing that,

And you're not focusing the time, energy and attention on yourself. This is the issue. So it's one of these things where it's like 10% of the time. If you want to get the information about the narcissist and get that validation, that makes you feel good. Great. 90% of the time though, should be focused on you.

Why did you stay in the relationship? Why did you interact in the ways that you did. What are the wounds that were reflected back to you in this relationship? And let's actually work on healing those. So the question about what do you do?

You need to start looking at yourself and doing the healing, work on yourself with yourself. You've got to look at these parts inside of you. What part of you was okay. Being treated the way that you were being treated in that relationship? No, I know there's manipulation. I know that there's a lot of things going on, but.

This relationship was an at-will arrangement. You chose to stay in it every day that you stayed in it. And I'm not saying that like, oh, it's so easy to leave these toxic relationships because I know it's not, it's complicated. There's layers to this there's emotions, there's trauma, bonds. There's all kinds of things happening.

But at the end of the day, we do need to recognize that you chose to stay in that relationship for as long as you did. And to really clear out this pattern, we have to look at why that was so that you never get into another relationship like this. Again, learning all about the narcissist and why they operate and why they're doing what they're doing.

And all of these terminologies and everything and spending hours of your life. I mean, think about this. How much time have you spent in this relationship with this person that you were no longer in relationship with and now you're out of the relationship and now you're spending all of your time, energy and attention focused on.

Learning about them. I mean, that's pretty backwards, isn't it? Because now you can just put time, energy and attention and learning about yourself. Not from a place of shame or blame, but from a place of curiosity. Yeah. Why did I do this? Because let's not forget that relationships are a mirror. They are a mirror to what is going on within you.

What are the wounds within you? What are the beliefs within you? They show up in your relationships. So that's what you want to start looking. Looking at, you want to start looking at, if I was in this kind of relationship. What does that mean? That I actually believe about myself. Because the environment that we're in, the actual reality that we are experiencing is a reflection of our internal system, our internal thoughts, beliefs, values, and identity. And that's really what we have to work on. Changing.

And this is why I created the ice healing method, because you get the amount of information that you need so that you can understand things like what is a trauma bond and how it works. You understand your nervous system and different things like this, but we're doing the subconscious change work. We have to change on the identity level on the belief level, change your values.

And embody a new way of being this is the real work. The other stuff that you're doing is more just like a time suck and a time waste and really an energy drainer. I mean. Do you feel more energized and more alive and good and better about yourself when you're spending that time? Down in the YouTube rabbit hole or the tick, top rabbit hole about all of this.

Now look, I know, I see it on Tik TOK all of the time and the engagement that these kinds of pages get talking all about narcissists and the narcissists did this and you did this and this happened. And then that happened and people everyone's on their like, oh my gosh, yes, me too. Again, that validation is a wonderful thing.

It is, it's a part of the healing process, but a small fraction of the healing process. So what you can do is actually start looking at yourself and start asking yourself those tougher questions. And then you're really. Really going to want to work with somebody who can help you work through these things. These kinds of relationships are traumatic. There's a lot that needs to be cleared from your nervous system. A lot that needs to be cleared from your mind so that you can move forward in a new way, because that's really what it's about.

You have to decide for yourself how it is that you want to move forward. What kind of life you want to experience? What kind of love you want to experience and get yourself to be the embodiment of that version of yourself. That's really what it's all about. Of course, this is what we do in my program. He'll rise, thrive. I will put a link in the show notes for you. If you want to check that out, you can get on the waitlist for that, because I am going to be opening the new round very, very soon. I promise it is coming so soon.

But that's really what it's about getting back in to you. Focusing time, attention, energy on your self, on your healing. And getting off of this information overload because it's just not helpful. And most of the time, what I have seen is the people that are stuck in this information overload and stuck in this narcissist, narcissist, narcissist, and getting all the information there can, are really heavily in nervous system dysregulation.

You're in a sympathetic response and you cannot relax and your mind is just going, going, going, and going. And you're basically replaying different traumatic events in your mind over and over and over again. And trying to figure out a way to let them go by getting more information, but that's not how it works.

We actually have to go into your mind to release those things and through the body and release those things.