You must make these shifts if you want healthier relationships

You must make these shifts if you want healthier relationships. Episode 147 of the Worshipped Woman Podcast.

This week Kelly is laying out the shifts that you must make if you want healthier relationships. The kind of relationships where you are seen, heard, honored and respected.

If you are ready to heal your toxic relationship patterns, come home to yourself and become a women who Thrives. Heal, Rise, Thrive is the place for you. You can get on the waitlist here: https://www.kellykristintraining.com/hrtoptin-1WL 

Episode Transcript:

If you are somebody who has been in toxic relationships , when I say toxic relationships, I don't mean just abusive relationships or just relationships with a narcissist. Narcissist, if you've been hanging out with me for awhile, you know, I think that is a way overused term way overused word, and really can send you down the rabbit hole of learning about things that are not relevant to your healing or to your life. So when I say toxic relationship, I mean, any kind of relationship where you feel like you are not being met, where it is not healthy for you to be in where you are not happy, where you are not thriving, where you are not able to express yourself fully, or really show up as your true, authentic.

Antic self to me, there are levels to toxicity and certainly we contribute to the toxic. Relationship paradigm. It takes two to tango, but what I hope that you can get from today's episode. Is understanding a very fundamental reason. Y you might find yourself in relationships.

That are not healthy for you, and that are not allowing you to be who you really are to the fullest, because the best kind of relationships, the relationships that I would qualify as healthy are ones where you feel like you can be more of yourself. Not less.

So today's episode is really about. A fundamental shift. That you will need to make, if you want to have the kind of relationships that you want. The kind of relationships that are healthy, where you do get to be yourself, where you get to be seen, heard and met. This is a fundamental shift that will need to be made. I know it was a shift that I had to make in my own life.

And every single person that has been in toxic relationships that has come through my program for healing from toxic relationships, heal rice thrive. Every single person that has come through that has struggled with this same thing. We actually have a whole module where we work on this really two modules kind of work on this.

But it is a really important shift that has to be made. If you want to have healthy relationships in your life, where you can express where you are truly yourself and where you are happy being yourself. That's really what I'm after here

so it's two things that I want to talk about today and merged together. We're going to speak about being too forgiving, because this is a trait that has to change and having boundaries. They're kind of one in the same.

Really the trait that I am talking about that needs to be overcome. Is projecting who you are. Onto this other person in your relationship. Projecting the goodness of you. One thing that I have noticed is that the people that come to me to heal and break these toxic relationship patterns.

Are just some of the best people in the world. They are so loving. They are so giving. They are so kind, they are truly understanding people. They're empathetic. They want the best for people. And while these are all great qualities on their own. What happens is that when you project those qualities onto somebody else,

That doesn't actually have those qualities. This is when you can get into a lot of trouble. This is where you can run into situations where you are being taken advantage of. And where you are easily manipulated because you have this idea. That other people are like you. So let's talk about a scenario where this comes across. Maybe you are dating somebody and you start to notice something a little suspicious. You're suspecting something.

Some sketchy kind of stuff is going on. Let's say something on your partner's phone that you're noticing or, or whatever. And you. Confronted or talk about it and you get some story and you might have seen something, something triggered, there was something sketchy going on and you have a knowing that this is happening.

But your partner has an excuse for it. There's some kind of story around it. And rather than trusting yourself, You. Believe the story. There's a few layers to this. You believe that story because.

It's easier to believe what you want to believe. Then too. Look at what it would mean if maybe that wasn't the truth. We don't want to feel the hurt. We don't want to acknowledge the, that maybe there's betrayal or whatever it is that's going on. We don't want to acknowledge those things. So it's easier to buy into that fantasy of like, no, everything's perfect. Everything's good. Oh, he wouldn't do that to me.

And maybe it is something that you wouldn't do. So we have a tendency to think that other people think like we do. So if you are loyal and that's a high value for you. If you have integrity and that's a high value for you. It's easy to make the assumption that that other person does too. So you are projecting who you are.

Onto this other person. But that is not necessarily who they are. Which is why it is so important to pay attention to behaviors, to really be observing who this person is by, through what they are doing, not what they are saying, but actually what they are doing.

And it's funny. I never even realized that I did this as heavily as I did until a friend pointed it out to me when I was dating somebody. And something happened and this wasn't even a terribly toxic relationship, but this was after I had been out of a toxic relationship, really hadn't done my healing work yet, but I was dating people and I was with somebody who no surprise was just incredibly, emotionally unavailable at that time as was I, because I had been through literal hell so many traumatic things that I was not dealing with.

So I really wasn't available to be with anybody. So it wouldn't be surprising that I attracted somebody who was also. So quite emotionally unavailable. And I remember something happening. I don't remember what the exact situation was, but I was talking to a girlfriend of mine at the time and she was like, well, Kelly, you just have this tendency to always.

Assume the best. Like, you're a very positive person and that's good, but you always assume that people have the best intentions. And you always assume the positive in a situation. Rather than even looking at the negative, your assumptions are always really positive. And I, and my mind was like, well, isn't that a good thing. I want to be like that. I don't want to be a negative Nancy. I don't want to be somebody who automatically looks at people in assumes the worst.

And what I have realized is that there has to be a balance with this, of course, I'm, I'm not somebody now who is automatically negative, but what I am now is discerning. And I have developed. A relationship with my intuition, where I now trust what my body is telling me and what my body is showing me.

Versus what my mind might want to be thinking. Because it is easy for my mind to assume the best. It is easy for my mind to want to stay in that kind of fantasy of everything being good and perfect. And assuming the best out of people. Now, instead of automatically trusting somebody or thinking that they are really great person.

I let them reveal themselves over time. I don't make decisions about who people are until they show me who they are and they show me who they are consistently through their consistent actions. This is a really important thing that you have to learn. If you want to be in healthy relationships. The next thing I want to talk about is being too forgiving. So this kind of goes along with that, you have a positive attitude. You want to assume the best intentions. You want to think that everybody is good is like you, and this is not true

but because that is in your nature and it is also in your nature to be kind, to be loving, to be empathetic, to be understanding you are also probably somebody who for gives you believe somebody when they apologize to you and you take it at that value and you forgive and you move on and you keep betraying yourself.

And here's what I want you to realize with forgiveness. Forgiveness is a really beautiful thing. It's beautiful to be forgiving, to be loving, to be understanding, but forgiveness without boundaries is self betrayal. If you are continuously forgiving somebody for something that, you know, doesn't work for you isn't right for you is harmful to you.

This is self. Betrayal. Now I want to talk about forgiveness for a second because forgiveness, in a sense. I think is very misunderstood. Oftentimes, when we think of forgiveness, we think of forgiven. Forget. Those are two different words though. Forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting and , there are a lot of different ways to forgive somebody. You can forgive somebody and never speak to them again. You can forgive somebody and move on and continue.

The relationship forgiveness in itself. Doesn't have anything to do with this other person it has to do with you. And what is going on. In your heart, but if you are forgiving and you are not placing a boundary on whatever this thing is, that hurts you was harmful to you. This is where you are, betraying yourself, your needs, your values, and what is actually good for you. And this is where you run into problems.

You want to give people too many chances? The thing is, is that people show you who they are and they show you who they are. Through their actions. And it's great. You want to forgive somebody one time and give them a second chance? That's awesome. But how many second chances are you giving inside of your relationships?

How many times are you bargaining with yourself? This is the last time. This is the last time. This is the last time. And the more that you're doing this, the more that you are betraying yourself, the more you are losing yourself.

And you're going to get to the place where you do not even recognize who you are anymore, and you feel like I don't even have an identity anymore. And this is because you have betrayed yourself. Your inner voice is now gone because , you don't even listen to it.

So this really leads me to the third thing that I want to talk about today, which is boundaries. Boundaries is a massive, massive issue. Certainly if you have been in toxic relationships, I can pretty much guarantee to you that you struggle with. Boundaries. I know I did.

I think it's really easy to struggle with boundaries. Most of us did not grow up in a home where we were taught anything about boundaries on our parents. Probably weren't taught anything about boundaries.

So let's go back to when I said forgiveness without boundaries is self betrayal. So you can forgive and put in place boundaries. And these boundaries are what protects you. And not just protects you boundaries are not just for self protection, but they are also for really self identity. It's what makes you, you, it's your thoughts, your opinions, what matters to you? There's a lot of different layers to boundaries. It's not just about, uh, don't do this. Don't do that.

It's really about defining who you are. And when we're in a place where we don't have boundaries, this can, again, contributes to that feeling of, I don't know who I am. I don't even know what I like. I don't know what I want to do. All of this actually has to do with a lack of boundaries.

And if you were somebody who doesn't have boundaries again, this makes you somebody who is very easy to manipulate.

And what I want you to understand about boundaries, certainly boundaries with others. Is that it is not a boundary. If it doesn't have a consequence. So you can say, let's say you're in a situation where something happened. It was hurtful to you inside of your relationship and you forgive them and you say, Hey, but don't do it again.

Hey, but don't do it again. Is not a boundary. If you do it again, then I will have to X, Y, Z. That is a boundary. Actually following through with that action, whatever that XYZ is for you following through with that. Is. Having boundaries.

And this is why. It can be so terrifying to actually have boundaries, because if you're doing that, if you're actually putting into place those consequences and you were taking action on those, that is going to be a radical change from who you are now from being the person that is too forgiving. That is up. Everything's good all the time.

That is self betraying all of the time, going to a place where you are actually putting into place, these consequences. Now, a consequence doesn't have to be a super negative overall, like. Crazy. Different thing. But sometimes it is, sometimes it does look like if you do this thing again, I will be forced to leave the relationship.

But a boundary inside of a relationship can be like, if you speak to me in this certain way, I will. Exit the conversation and I will leave the room. I'm not going to engage in that conversation. That is a boundary, . Let's say that your partner is somebody that you really love and you want to be with, but they have a tendency to yell when they get angry or call you names.

This is actually emotional abuse. Name-calling is emotional abuse. I personally do not put up with that in my relationship. That is a hard red line for me.

But I know that a lot of people do experience that in their relationship. So what a boundary would look like in a relationship like that is if you speak to me in this way, I will get up and leave. And I will not continue the conversation. And then if that happens where they're speaking to you in that certain way, you stop the conversation, you get up and leave the room.

Because you're not going to engage with that person in that way. That is very different than constantly making excuses or forgiving or rationalizing or justifying the behavior. This is just one tiny, small example of a boundary. Obviously working on boundaries is a very big topic and it is something that needs to be continuously practice. This is something that can feel hard. It can feel scary. It can feel like, I don't know if I can even do that. If I can even be this person.

But once you start practicing it, it becomes easier and easier and easier.

And really understanding these things, understanding that you can not project yourself, your goodness, how you are onto other people. You can not be too forgiving and give people chance after chance, after chance after chance. If you forgive without boundaries, that is self betrayal and leads to a loss of a sense of your own self.

And boundaries need consequences. All of these things. Need to shift. And change. If you want to have healthier relationships, if you want to be the type of woman that is never again in another toxic relationship. And what I want you to realize is, that all of what I am saying has nothing to do with anybody else.

The mistake that a lot of people make. When they are wanting to change anything in their life, certainly when they're wanting to heal from toxic relationships. One of the biggest mistakes I see being made is that you start educating yourself about the other person. Or you start educating yourself on the toxic dynamic. You start educating yourself and you start doing all of this effort towards trying to change somebody else or something outside of you.

But it is when you change, what is within you? That is what changes. Everything in your life, including the dynamic of your relationships and of the kind of relationships that you will be in. It doesn't have to do with other people. It has to do with you. And that is the really, really beautiful part about healing. Is that by you healing, you, you change everything in your life.