How to change your relationship patterns. Episode 146 of the Worshipped Woman Podcast.
In this episode Kelly explores where the patterns that keep you stuck in toxic relationship cycles come from and how you can break these patterns once and for all.
If you are ready to heal your toxic relationship patterns, come home to yourself and become a women who Thrives. Heal, Rise, Thrive is the place for you. You can get on the waitlist here: https://www.kellykristintraining.com/hrtoptin-1WL
We are going to be exploring patterns. And why it is that we keep repeating. Certain events circumstances. Dating patterns, things like that in our lives. Now, maybe you've heard the saying before that we stop. Repeating the experience. When you learn the lesson, you've heard that you stop repeating the experience once you've learned the lesson. And while that is a very nice notion and something that's pretty easy to look at doubles happened. Oh yeah. I agree with that.
It's really only a very small part of the equation to how we are actually going to stop repeating patterns that are harmful or. That's something that we just don't want to do. So certainly in my practice and with my students, clients, I see this oftentimes in regards to relationships where if you have been in one toxic relationship, you're much more likely to then get into another.
And then another one, oftentimes you may have the experience of feeling like you date the same person over and over again. It's just that experience of feeling like. Same person, different face. If you have had that. Or if there is a certain behavior that you have in your life that is beyond relationships, but something that you keep doing within yourself.
This is a pattern and the lessons that we need to learn. Let's take a look at that. What are the lessons involved in toxic relationships? Well, you probably need to learn, uh, about your self worth. You probably need to learn how to empower yourself. There's a lot of lessons that need to be learned, but knowing what that lesson is, is like knowing what you should do, but then you can still be compelled to act against it.
And that's really what we're going to explore today, because if you've ever had that experience, where maybe you feel like, I know I shouldn't be with this person, or I know I shouldn't be doing this thing that I'm doing it, but yet you still do it. This is what I'm talking about because knowing what the lesson is or knowing that you shouldn't do something.
Is not really enough to get you to actually stop doing it. It's not knowing that is enough. It's actually integrating that lesson into your brain and into your body. That's going to make the difference. So let's talk about where patterns actually come from and how we can begin to really take a stand for a new way.
So certainly when it comes to toxic relationships, This can show up in a lot of different ways, but I'll give you a specific example so that you can see what I'm talking about. We're going to say that it is a woman who is dating men and this woman. Came from a household where her father was an alcoholic or an addict of some kind. Now, having that experience growing up of being with an alcoholic or an addict father, there's a lot of struggle that comes with that. Typically, if you've had that kind of experience. You may be somebody who feels like nobody ever really chooses you. You may feel like you're not enough. You may feel not lovable because even if your dad was a good dad and a lot of ways, if he was an addict or an alcoholic, that thing, whatever he is addicted to is always number one.
And that is a , very hard thing for a child. And what ends up happening is that these beliefs that you formed. By the time that you're seven, eight years old. Remember, I've talked about this many times. That's when our mind is very malleable and we're learning a lot about the world and we're learning a lot about relationships. So you're learning that you're not enough. You're learning that the man in your life does not choose you.
And this creates an original hurt or an original pain, a core wound around this. And now when you go to get into a relationship, as an adult and you find yourself being with addicts or alcoholics or somebody who maybe is a workaholic, but certainly they are addicted to something else and choosing something else over you continuously.
Now we can look at that and say, because, and you've maybe heard this before that we repeat things that are familiar to our brain. Because we know what the outcome is going to be, but that's also just a small part of it. So of course we can see that it's a familiar pattern, but the reason that we are actually compelled into this pattern, the reason that we are repeating this pattern is because it is actually an attempt from our unconscious to bring this unresolved pain.
This unresolved hurt this unresolved trauma to a sense of completion. Our unconscious actually wants to get rid of this because it is like it's stuck in our system and it's processing and it's processing and it's processing and we wanted to let it go. The system actually wants to let it go, but it can't let it go
until it releases that and the way that your system is intending to release that is by bringing it to a sense of completion. So what I mean by that is if you had this, this example that we're running with here, that if you had a father who was alcoholic addict did not choose you, you will find yourself in that similar situation because of the familiarity, because it's familiar to be in that situation that you're now with a man who doesn't choose you.
As an addict, doesn't put your first, all of these things. But this. Compulsion to be with them is not just about the familiarity. That familiarity is a big part of it traction, but it is also now. That you are trying to bring this cycle to completion. Meaning that if you could get this person to see.
That you actually should be chosen that you are good enough if you could get them to see that. And they could just do that. If they could just be there for you, if they could just choose you and put you first and put down whatever their drug of choice is, if they could do that and choose you that you would be good, you would be healed.
This is how the inner child is thinking. This is that original pain, that core wound that, that your inner child is wanting to bring to completion. It's like saying, Hey, oh yeah, this is, this is an opportunity because if I can. I can get this person to love me in the way that dad never did. Then I can get rid of this pain. I can get rid of this hurt. It will be all good.
You see how that can really make sense, right? If I can prove that I'm lovable and be loved and chosen. By somebody who is similar to dad, then I can get rid of the original hurt that I feel like I wasn't loved or chosen by my father. . This is how the pattern is really a compulsion.
This is why you can know, right? Like, no. Oh man, I don't want to get into relation with an alcoholic. I don't want to get into a relationship with an addict. This is not what I want anymore. But still feel compelled to act against it. Thinking broader than relationships, there might be a certain behavior that you're doing that you know, that you shouldn't do. You don't want to do it, but you feel compelled to do it anyway.
It's because inside of your body, there's some stuckness around this, and this is an attempt from your unconscious to bring this to completion.
So, yeah, you can know what the lesson is. You can know that you don't want to be with an addict. You can know that you don't want to do the certain behavior, but the message. Consciously is not enough. We have to go to the deeper layers. We have to go into the subconscious identity and we have to go into the body into the nervous system.
So let's talk about what it actually means to go into the subconscious identity. Identity is the deepest layer of your subconscious. And as you know, your subconscious is really dictating about 95% of what you do in your life. It is not your conscious mind, it is your sub conscious that is dictating your life.
The deepest layer of your subconscious is your identity, who you are, who you believe you are. Now your identity is something that can be changed, but if you have not done identity work, you haven't done subconscious mind work. You haven't really put a lot of effort into that in your life. Then you were pretty much running around in your life with the identity of you at a seven year old believing what you believed, then believing whatever was true about you.
Then. Now why identity is so important is because we can not. B what we are not. We cannot be what we are not. And so what I mean by that is if you are somebody who is not a smoker, If you do not smoke, you never smoked. And I come up to you and I offer you a pack of cigarettes. And I say, here you want a cigarette?
You would easily be like, no, I don't want a cigarette. I'm not a smoker. I don't, I don't smoke. It's very easy. To not be what you are not right. It's very easy to not be what you are not. But it is very easy to be what you are. So if you are a smoker and I say, Hey, you want a cigarette? You'd say, thank you so much a light that guy up and be on your way and good to go and all happy. Right.
Because that is who you are on identity level, your smoker. When you're not a smoker, it's easy to not do what you are not because you're not a smoker. So you just don't do it. Right now when we go into relationships. If you are somebody who can not be in toxic relationships, you are not somebody who is.
The identity of being a woman who is capable of being in toxic relationships. And somebody comes to you and says, oh, here here's some gaslighting. Here's some manipulation here. I'm going to be an addict. And I'm going to choose this drug over you. You would say, absolutely not. This is not for me.
I'm out of this relationship because this is not who I am. However, if on an identity level, you have some acceptance of that. Then you can be in that kind of relationship. This is why we have to work down at the identity level when we're wanting to change these patterns. Certainly if you're wanting to change the pattern of finding yourself in one toxic relationship after the next,
the reason we're repeating. This is because in your identity, you are somebody who can be in a toxic relationship. Now, beyond that you are also somebody who has certain wiring in your nervous system that is comfortable with that kind of chaos that that brings. And we also need to be able to look inside of your body and learn how to regulate your nervous system so that you do not link love with chaos so that you can actually have peace and feel comfortable.
These are things that are done at a much deeper level than knowing what the lesson is.
And the nervous system piece is a part that I think most people really miss. This is why in all of my programs and the heel rise, thrive program and the worship to woman and even the self healing library, you are getting breath work because it is imperative. If you are somebody who is healing, if you are doing any kind of healing work.
To me, it has to include breath work. The reason why that is, is because breathwork is working on your nervous system health. Not only is it helping you to release some of that stuck energy, those pent up emotions and things like that, but it is also expanding your capacity to be able to handle more in your body.
This is why it reduces things like anxiety. It reduces things like depression, but guess what else it does when we're doing a consistent breath work practice, it actually helps to increase. Grease the muscle tone in your body. It helps with a lot of different things beyond just mental health, but it helps emotional health and it helps physical health. The reason is is that your nervous system health is the dictator of.
Your mental health, your emotional health and your physical health. This is why we have got to work at these deep levels. If you want to be a person who has new patterns, who chooses a new way, you actually have to be different inside of your brain and inside of your body information alone does not help you knowing what the lesson is, does not help you knowing that you shouldn't.
I do something really isn't helpful because then you just start shaming yourself if you do it anyway. But what I want you to get you to understand is is that .
If you are not something, then you will not do something just like the non-smoker is not going to pick up a cigarette and smoke that. Just like the person who cannot be in a toxic relationship. Who does I identify as a woman who is capable of being in a toxic relationship, then you're going to not be in a toxic relationship. This is a much deeper level.
Then just surface based. Oh, I'm learning about this or I'm learning about these patterns. And now when we want to go in and really move forward in your life in a new way, you've got to do the rewiring in your brain. You gotta do the rewiring in your body, but here's the part that a lot of people don't like when I tell them this, you also have to consciously choose a new way forward.
You have to choose to act from a new place of identity. You have to choose to continually do the things that are supportive of your body and getting into a place where you are at peace. This is not a one-time kind of thing. And I think that sometimes certainly with nervous system health and things like this, people want it to be very easy. Everybody wants things to be really easy. You want to take one pill and fix everything you want to do. One thing, and everything is just better.
And while certain healing modalities, I mean, gosh, certainly in rapid resolution therapy, I am seeing some incredible things happen just after one session. And that's amazing. But I know that if I do not continue to make a choice to step into that new way of being, it goes away. Just like I know when my clients come to me,
And they do not actually put the tools into practice in their life. The things that I'm teaching them, they're not going to get the lasting results because you have to continuously be willing to choose a new way. You have to continuously be willing to put on that identity, that new identity, every single day, step into it, walk with it.
And it's not that it's hard. It's not hard to do, but it does take persistence. It takes dedication and it takes choosing yourself over and over and over and over again. And really having, making the vision that you have for yourself, the future that you want for yourself, making that more compelling and interesting to your mind than what are very it is that you are currently doing.
Thinking about all of this. If you are somebody who has been in toxic relationships and you feel like you're really ready to break that pattern, rise into your personal power and become what I call a thriving woman. Then you are going to want to come into heal rice thrive. I will put a link for the waitlist.
Another round is going to be opening soon. If you are somebody who feels like, oh, I don't know about that. If that's right for me, go ahead and check out the self healing library. This is an incredible resource that I've built that has on demand, hypnotherapy, EFT, tapping as well as smaller breath work, embodiment sessions that are really going to help you rewire your brain and rewire your body for self-love self-acceptance self-worth confidence, authenticity, all of these beautiful, great things.
And the current offer that's on that is insane and it will not be around for long. So make sure you check out that link below. But I really want you to take everything that I have talked about today. And I want you to think about applying it to your life. And I want you to think about whatever this pattern is that you want to change. Whatever thing that you're doing, that you feel compelled to, that you actually don't want to do.
If you can't do any of their rewiring work, if you can't come into anything. And if you can't. Actually commit to a deeper level. What you can do in this moment is just think about what it is that you want your future to be like , and actually start attaching excitement to that. Get yourself excited about it. Get yourself looking forward to that, and then asking yourself when you're doing certain things in your life.
If you are working towards that future vision or not. And when you feel resistance around it, think about what it is that you want, whatever that vision is for yourself and think about what it would feel like to have accomplished that, to be done with that, for that, to be your life and let yourself feel good with that. And then ask yourself if that current thing that you're stepping into, that you're doing is serving that is moving towards that or not.
And then. Really choose your actions from there. This requires presence. It requires patience. It requires pausing because most of our behaviors are on that autopilot because they're just coming from unconscious. We're just doing things and not even having any thought. About it. So this really requires you to take a breath.
To pause. And to really. Have an honest moment with yourself. If what you are doing is what you actually want to be choosing. And if not choose the new way forward. And if you do that again and again and again and again, and you keep choosing that new way. It's going to become normal and familiar to you. And that is really the goal.