How to let go of anger and resentment after toxic relationships

How to let go of anger and resentment after toxic relationships. Episode 145 of the Worshipped Woman Podcast.

In this episode Kelly talks about radical acceptance. This is the key to letting go of anger, resentments, guilt and shame about what you have done or what has happened in your life and relationships.

If you are ready to heal your toxic relationship patterns, come home to yourself and become a women who Thrives. Heal, Rise, Thrive is the place for you. You can get on the waitlist here: https://www.kellykristintraining.com/hrtoptin-1WL

Episode Transcript:

If you are somebody who feels like you have resentments. In your life, whether that be a things that have happened in the past that you think shouldn't have happened and you obsess.

And ruminate about them. Or if you are harboring resentments towards people in your life,

perhaps you have been in toxic relationships and you are holding a lot of anger and resentment towards the person who mistreated you, or you had a difficult upbringing and you were holding a lot of resentments towards your parents or the people that raised you. My intention with today's episode. Is to open your eyes in a new way, and to get you to start thinking in a way that maybe you haven't been thinking that can actually free you from this anger, this resentment, or this feeling of my life should be different than it is, because that is really what keeps us stuck in suffering.

I see this, not only in my clients that are coming to me for things like healing from toxic relationships, but typically this is a pattern that. Really goes through a lot of different areas of your life. And if we can clear this today, you are going to live a much better life because of it. Now I'm doing this topic today because I'm actually doing a super deep dive into this in my master class that I'm teaching inside of the worship woman this month.

So inside of the worship woman, I do foundational trainings and the foundational trainings are what I consider to be a really imperative to building a foundation, to live an incredible life. So we're not going to go as deep here as of course I'll be going in my master class. With my students, but also.

This is something that I go super heavy into inside of heel rise, thrive, which is my program specifically for women that want to completely heal break the cycle of toxic relationships in their life, rise into their personal power and become a woman that thrives. This is an imperative part of that process.

One of many that we go through in that program, again, we go much more in depth inside of the program. If you are somebody who has. Ready to end the cycle of toxic relationships in your life. And you were really ready to commit to your healing and you want a specific plan, specific things that you can do that have been proven to work. And you want to do it in an environment with women who are all healing and doing, and working towards the same goal as you he'll rise thrive is the place for you.

I'm going to be opening enrollment to that very soon with some really exciting updates that I'm currently working on. So if you're interested, In that there will be a link. In the show notes for you so that you can get on the wait list. So you can be notified when I do open it. It's very, very exciting.

And I want to preface this whole conversation today with saying, I have been talking about, oh my gosh, I didn't even tell you what we're talking about yet. Today's topic is about. Radical acceptance. Now, this is something that I have been. Teaching speaking about for many, many years. And like I said, it's really a cornerstone. I consider it a foundational teaching, a foundational training that if you can get will really change your life.

But I also want to give some credit to a new mentor of mine and tell you a little bit about it. I recently have been studying a new modality that is called rapid resolution therapy. And I am somebody who has at this point, I don't even really know how many certifications I have, how many modalities I've studied.

I've been doing this work for a lot of years. And I am of the thought, even though a lot of coaches are not, but I am of the thought that I need training. I need actual tools. I can't just teach you based on experience. I want to know that what I am doing is working. I want to know the scientific processes behind it. I want to have mentors that I can check in with and make sure that what I am doing is going to be helpful and not harmful. And I'm always looking to improve myself.

So recently, rapid resolution therapy, which is. Headed by Dr. John Connolly came into my awareness. I thought it was interesting. I took the foundational program and then I said, okay, I have to do this. So I'm currently taking a certification program and I've been really diving into this and. To me. It is so interesting because he turns a lot of the perspectives that are taught in the mental health world. A lot of the perspectives that are taught even in coaching. And he kind of just turns them all in their head and really makes the case for some different things. And so for me, what it's done is solidifies in ways that maybe I was thinking in ways that I was intuitively doing things.

And giving me a process to do them, but also helping me to see an expand my mind in new ways. And it's really made me question some of the things that I used to think were true. And by utilizing these processes in my own life, I have been able to really see some radical shifts as well as in my private clients and even in my membership where I'm starting to trickle in these trainings. So part of the reason I've been holding off on.

Really enrolling hill rise thrive again, is because I'm actually even going back through the heal rise, thrive program and adding in some of these processes and some of these teachings and some of these. Thought. Ideas and ways to see the world that I am currently learning and embodying through rapid resolution therapy.

 So when it comes to the idea of radical acceptance, obviously this is a pillar. This is something that I've been teaching on for many years. But I have also been enlightened through Dr. Don Connolly, his work in rapid resolution therapy that has allowed me to see it at an even deeper level and allow me to have some new language around it, which is why I'm really excited.

To speak with you about it today and to get you to. Again, see something in a new way. And it's important that maybe as you're listening to me or if you're taking any of my programs and I am, giving you a new perspective or a new way to think it's important that you understand that this is not ultimate truth. And you've probably heard me say this before.

The only ultimate truth is that we're all eventually going to leave the planet out of this life form that we're currently in. We are going to die. That is the ultimate truth. Everything else is really up for interpretation and the purpose of rapid resolution therapy, the purpose of coaching, the purpose of coming to the awareness that you can.

I think a new way is that you actually get to choose what is true for you. You get to choose. If, what you are thinking and believing in how you are operating is actually useful for you or not, because what's true. Doesn't really matter as much as what is useful. So diving into the topic today, I want you to keep in mind that if this feels maybe a little sticky for you in some places, this might be a completely new way.

To see things to interpret things. And I just ask that you have an open mind as we speak a little bit about what radical acceptance really means.

And so for me, radical acceptance implies radical, a big change, a completely new way to see something right. There's acceptance. And then there's radical acceptance. So radical in itself using that term implies that this might be a major shift. So let's talk about the overall picture of what it is.

Radical acceptance is really about accepting. Your self, your life, other people, the things that have happened,

as they have happened, it is very much, and it is what it is attitude. It is what it is. Meaning I can not go back into the past and change anything that has happened. It doesn't mean that I have to like what has happened. It doesn't mean that what has happened was really great. And I'm oh so excited about it, but is getting your mind to understand that it could not have been any different.

And when you can really grasp the idea that it could not have been any different. This is what allows you to let go of the suffering to let go of the rumination, to let go of the resentment, the anger, the guilt, whatever is associated with that. So typically what happens in our mind, and what's really interesting about the human mind is this.

We have kind of like two minds, right. We have our unconscious mind, and then we have our conscious mind, the place where we can consciously choose things. We can think about things. You can hear something and decipher. Is that true or not? But on an unconscious level, that's not what's going on.

And so what's really interesting is that we are the only life form. That can actually think about the past and what has happened and continue to ruminate on that. And we're also the only life form that can think about the future and project something into the future. What makes this interesting is that because we are only ever experiencing the now moment when we're ruminating on the past and thinking about what has happened, we are experiencing it in the now.

This is why we have certain things that go on and we can get triggered. And it feels like we're in the past because it's like something got stuck in our processing system. And that thing that doesn't need to be there because it actually is not happening now. It happened in the past, but in the, now it doesn't actually exist.

We get stuck on that. It's like something stuck in our processor. If you can think of your mind, like a processor, like a computer, sometimes. The computer is processing and it has a glitch or it gets stuck somewhere. That's essentially what happens in your mind. So we get stuck on what has happened. We get stuck on thinking about how terrible they treated us. We get stuck on the fact that my mom or my dad, or whoever raised me didn't treat me well.

Or, maybe they did some really terrible things. Maybe these toxic relationships have been really harmful and traumatic. And there's all these things that did happen. But when we don't let it go, when it gets stuck in the processor, It's like we're experiencing it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

That is not helpful. So, what we want to do is like clear out that processor and get your mind to understand, that is in the past. It is not happening now. And the first step to really do that is coming to a level of what I am calling. Radical acceptance. Where you can look at yourself now from this point in your life, regardless of what has happened, regardless of.

Anything that somebody has done anything that you have done, anything that has happened in your life. You come from this and say, I accept that it happened.

What does that mean? Exactly. It means that you fully understand and grasp this idea. That it could not have been any other way. It could not have been any other way. It should not have been any other way. Because it could not have been any other way. It happened as it did because it did, there was a certain cause that caused something to happen or cause somebody to act a certain way, people act in ways you included.

Because of all of the conditioning that you have, because of all of the things that have happened in your life, because of all of the beliefs that are. In your mind and that are running through. Everything, every action that you take, everything that you do is because this is an attempt from your unconscious mind to keep you safe.

This is how your brain works. Your unconscious mind is always going to keep you safe. That doesn't mean happy. It doesn't mean good. It doesn't mean this is the best thing and you should absolutely do it. It's just, this is predictable. It's safe. I know if I do this, I'm going to be safe. It doesn't mean that it's beneficial. It just means not dead.

That's all your mind, your unconscious mind is trying to do not dead. That is it. And so if you think about that from terms of you, that is also the same. For every other human, our mind is there to keep us safe. And so if I know that and I can truly get my mind to know that and understand that and grasp that, then I can accept that all of the things that I have done.

We're an attempt to keep me safe.

And. I could. Not have not done it.

I could not have not done it. Therefore I should not have not done it.

If you can really grasp that idea. And also apply it, PI it to yourself. But apply it to the other people in your life. People that you're feeling anger towards resentment towards and recognize that the behavior, whatever they have done, they could have not done. You can get to a level of acceptance.

And this matters because when you can accept. This, you can stop ruminating. You can stop thinking. Yeah, but they shouldn't have treated me this way. They shouldn't have done that thing. They shouldn't have cheated on me. They shouldn't have lied to me. They shouldn't have done all of these terrible things and wow. It would have been nice that that didn't happen.

I'm not saying it was good that it happened. I'm not saying you should celebrate the fact that it happened. While it was not necessarily good that it happened by getting your mind and really the unconscious part of your mind to agree and accept that it could not have been any other way. So therefore should not, does not exist because if it could not have been at any other way than it , then there is no way that it should not have been any other way.

Now if you're like, okay, I'm getting confused. I don't know what you're talking about. You may have to rewind this and listen to what I just said a couple of times so that you can really start wrapping your mind about this. Again, this is not going to be a super deep dive into this. This is going to be an introduction to this topic so that you can start thinking about things in your life, a new way so that you can see something in your life, a new way so that you can live from a level of acceptance, because this is not a one-time.

Time thing you think. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Let me apply it to here. And I'll see if I can let go of that resentment I have about this person mistreating me, but it is really a new way to live. Uh, way you live in which you live from a place of acceptance and not acceptance of this is I have to take this. You still have to put into place boundaries and different things. That's a whole other topic accepting what is doesn't mean that you like, what is doesn't mean that you keep what is, but it just means that you are not resisting and then therefore you are not suffering because you were resisting actually what happened or thinking that something that could not have been a different way.

Sure. Should have been a different way. Would it have been nice to be a different way? If you had a really terrible upbringing and you're sitting there right now thinking Kelly, your crazy, my parents should have been better to me. They should have treated me better. They should have loved me. They should have done all of these things.

This is exactly what I am talking about. It would have been nice if they did those things. But they could not have done differently. And also you can not go into the past and change anything that has happened. We're putting this into the present moment. And what, why want your mind to get is that by ruminating on the past and thinking that things could have been, or should have been different is what keeps you stuck, because if you can let go of the could or the should, and just accept that it happened and then choose to move forward in a new way from.

There choose to create whatever you want to create in your life. From there, you're going to be much better off than playing or ruminating with the idea that something that happened should not have happened. This is really the baseline of radical acceptance. Accepting. It doesn't mean that you like it, that you wanted it to happen. That it was good that it happened. It just means that it did happen. And there's nothing that you can do about something that happened in the past. There's absolutely nothing that you can do. To change something that happened in the past. And how , I want you to think about applying this to your life right now is that I want you to think about. How you are operating. Do you have anger towards somebody? Do you have resentment towards somebody? Do you have a lot of guilt about something that maybe you have done? And I actually want you to think about that just for a few seconds.

And then say to yourself, this could not have been any other way. This could not have been any other way and really start to bring that into your body and bring that into your mind so that we can clear out this stuck piece of gunk that's in that processor. That really, if I like to think of it, almost like.

A a garbage disposal. If you have a garbage disposal in your sink and you put things down there and then sometimes something gets stuck in there and it like makes all these crazy noises and you're like, oh, what's in the sink. We've got to get whatever that is out of the sink because it's causing dysfunction in your life.

And all we have to do is clear out that processor and get it working correctly again. And then you are going to feel so much better. So I actually want you to take an honest look at yourself at your life, with where you are with what is going on and see where it is that you are harboring anger, guilt, resentment, any of these things that really are not helping you or serving you.

Sometimes people say things to me, like I have to be angry about this because otherwise I'm letting them off the hook. I'm letting them off the hook. If not, if I'm not angry or resentful about this, but let's think about that for a second, because if you are angry and resentful, That is not affecting this person that you were angry at, or that you are resentful at.

The only person that is affecting is you. And do you think that your life is going to be better because you are angry at somebody and you were holding onto that and justifying it. Do you think that your life is going to be better because you are harboring resentment about things that have happened?

Or do you think that your life is going to be better? If you are free and clear of anger, if you were free and clear of resentments and you fully understand that everything that has happened in your life happened, it couldn't have been any other way. You can't go back and change it. So you might as well starting this moment, have a clear slate with clear energy because when your energy is clear and it's not, taken up by these tabs, open that say have.

Anger have resentment feel guilty about this? Feel shame about this. And you can move on in your life in a way in which you have the energy clear moving forward towards what you want. Don't you think that your life is going to be a lot better? That way? I know for sure that it will be. So I hope that you actually take the time to consider these things that I have said and start looking at them in your life.

Start looking at where you are at currently see where you can come into a deeper level of acceptance. And start moving forward from that place.